So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas