All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10