[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
😂🤣😂🤣
that de-escalated quickly
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*