Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single