*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
In Canada they just call them geese
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Brands during Pride
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄