What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
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A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.