her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I mean…but I did
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Hot Hot Hot
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close