Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.