Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*