latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You Might Also Like
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Sorry. Not sorry
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.