[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.