My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
i hope my email finds you on fire
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!