PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.