Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Expect the unexporcupine.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*