would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.