At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.