No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*