Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*pronounces fake like saké*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool