Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.