Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Yes, this is exactly right
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.