My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.