before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.