“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.