I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Thinking about Jeff
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.