Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
girls literally only want one thing..
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.