i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.