From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”