GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Geez man, take it easy.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.