When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine