Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
They’re not wrong
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.