My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
sistine chapel
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I know
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown