Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
my first day as a raccoon
What even happened today?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
the dark web is just a goth google.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.