(after sex)
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Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.