Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.