As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
@ candidates for local office
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what