We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’ll be mad as hell!