That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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I鈥檒l take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what鈥檚 upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he鈥檚 so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
From now on when a friend says she鈥檚 on her way I鈥檓 asking her to drop a pin
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can鈥檛 send or receive emails. I don鈥檛 know why I didn鈥檛 think of this sooner.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 馃槨
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
hackers play passwordle
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Accurate
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.