Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.