it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.