I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.