Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.