Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Ape together strong
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport