someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Did I do this right
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.