me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic