Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain š
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wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Her: letās role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Amazed that my wife didnāt tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Iām an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was āreal matureā while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[inventor of frisbee]
āI hate this plateā
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If I was a zombie Iād be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments itās called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.