[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Optional boss fight.