I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
twitter is a journey
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Sex so good you see dead people.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”