Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.