Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.