my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.